Im bad at drawing

     As much as I value positivity lately this has been a great place for me to vent on stuff that I dislike/want to change. So let's continue with my thoughts on drawing.

      When I was a little kid I drew all the time. I really liked drawing trees . There are straight parts and curvy parts and textured leaves and bark. You can add animals and grass and roots. I just loved drawing trees. I had little interest in drawing faces and people because symmetry is hard and so is drawing representationally. I drew for my own joy with no intention in mind. As I got older I had less time to draw and my style evolved to suit  the time I had avaliable. I got into drawing patterns and really graphic work. I also became more aware of the commercial side of art.

     My mom is a graphic designer so I knew about that side of art. To my mothers dismay I also became more aware of tattoos and the "alternative" side of commercial art. However I was still not a fan of representational and realistic drawing it did not come easy for me and struggling with it took the fun out of it. 

     I remember when I applied to fashion/art schools a lot of places wanted fashion illustrations. I absolutely hated drawing them there were different rules for fashion illustration and I had to draw faces which were the worst. It would take me hours just to do the heads.

     Even when if was accepted and in the department I struggled. I could make the garments, easy. Drawing them was a different story.

     What I failed to realize was that fashion illustration is just that, illustration. I had always tried to make my drawings from photographs of my work combined with photos of models. This made for weird proportions and things that were always a little off.

     At this point I began to dislike drawing.

    I went from a place where there were a few kids who were good at drawing, my high school. To a place where a knowledge of drawing and art was a pre requisite, and some people had come from highs schools where art was considered far more important than math. Very much unlike my school, that had an engineering program. Anyway I was suddenly a goldfish  in an ocean of sharks who, to me seemed like they could all sell their  proverbial doodles for quite a pretty penny. It's one thing suck at one thing as much as the rest of your communitiy does, but it's another to feel like the only one.

     So I took an illustration class, it was really intimidating. Even beginning was filled with people who had an amazing gift and passion for illustration.i forced my self to keep drawing even though I didn't really like it. It's hard to be bad at something you want to be good at. It's harder to try to be better when it seems to come easy to everyone else.

 But I'm working on it. And maybe someday I'll be pretty good at it, and maybe then I'll enjoy it again.

A bit on Literature

 As a child I loved to read. Id stay up for hours reading. Books were always an adventure. I could forget about all my problems and things I needed to do and just dive into an adventure for a few hours.
It was so easy and it was exactly what I wanted.

But as I got older people started telling me what to read.

At first it was just a list that I had to pick a few books from. It wasn't my favorite thing abut at least some of my favorite authors had at least one title on the list I was supposed to read from. As I got older this list got smaller and smaller until it became assigned reading... ewww just ewww. The books, sorry I mean literature I had to read in high school was often mind numbingly boring, or just confusing. Like The Crucible for example...

First, its a play. So annoying to read, there's stage directions and dialogue is weird to read, its just much better as a performance. I don't hate reading plays I actually love Shakespeare especially his witty nonsensical comedies but thats another story. The Crucible is just a bunch of dumb girls lying to get attention, I know this sounds a lot like Mean Girls but it sucks a lot. Yeah, its supposed to be an allegory for McCarthyism but that means it should be read in a historical context, like a social science class, not Honors English. We spent months talking about symbolism, irony, allegory, tone instead of the thinly veiled subtext, literary representations of historical figures and its presence on banned books list, any thing banned is always better...

The Scarlett Letter also sucks. Its written in middle english, not quite Shakespere, not quite normal english, and it requires a dictionary every third paragraph. Also hanging someone for cheating is ridiculous punishment, you cant pick your parents so why all the hatin' on Pearl, and I'm sooo glad I'm not a character in this story there is no happy ending for anyone.

This cycle of icky forced reading was real real bad in high school. There were a few gems, like The Jungle which is morbidly awesome, and accurate to the time. Wuthering Heights, Bronte girls know how to do sad love stores right! The BBC movie version is also awesome, Tom Hardy and Charlotte Riley, kill it, I haven't seen the Laurence Oliver version. I have learned to hate Dickens, too much moping and not enough doing, also enough with the foreshadowing, you have killed any and all surprises. More modern literature can be good, but when you use the structure of your novel as a part of the overall meaning you exclude those not well versed in literature from enjoying your book (heres to you, House of Leaves) And the worst book ever, ahem, Ida by Gertrude Stein, its worse than See Spot Run.

After many many years of being forced to read what some call, "classics," and "literature" while having to deeply analyze and deconstruct. My love of reading has extinguished itself to faint white coals. When I was younger I used to love book reports, and being pushed out of my fantasy/adventure novel comfort zone, but forced reading, bullshit analyzations, and irrelevant "literature" that only speaks to the trials of rich white males killed the book zealot in me long ago. Lately I've been trying to get back into reading, I tried to engulf my self in some literature. But now every time I read any fiction all I can think about is the archetypes, irony, imagery and themes rather than just getting sucked up into someones dream world. But I'm curious does anyone actually enjoy talking about literary devices used in novels? Or is it just something that professors do that sucks the joy out of books?

Today in Class...

 Done?

Works in progress...

Not my shoe, but it is my drawing.

My Life as a Cat Slave

How I know its time to go to bed.

1. One of my cats scratches at the door, usually the little one who likes to sleep with me whom I call Kitty Princess.
2. She makes the rounds then sits at the foot of my chair and meows until I put her on my lap.
3. I hit up the ususals of my internet browsing, email, Facebook, National Geographic, then the never ending Tumblr. 
4. After 20-30 minutes of that its off of my lap then a flurry of fur sprints to the bathroom where I follow and confirm that there is food and water as I had confirmed for her a few hours earlier.
5. While she munches I brush my teeth wash my face and glasses then get into bed.
6. Just as I am falling asleep she leaps up onto my chest. 
7. Purring loudly for the next few hours she stays there and keeps me quite toasty.

How I wake up.

1. Little Kitty Princess as I call her, sleeps peacefully on my chest.
2. One of my other cats, usually the one my mom calls Blackie scratches on the screen outside my door, at 2 am.
3. She proceeds to do this until I let her in, Blackie takes about 5 tv minutes to make the three foot trip. She wants to look out for the other cat Big Whiney as she will hit her in the face if she can.
4. Once she is in I can go back to sleep, for a while.
5. 20 minutes later Kitty Princess decides once again I am the optimum sleeping perch and I am awoken by a pounce on the chest.
6. Then my mom wakes me up at 9 with "Why are you still in bed," with Kitty Princess still sleeping on my chest...

ehh its vacation im not going to complain that much...

Crit Week

crit week is killing me...

 I haven't slept this little since I left the department,
     but I haven been sleeping because Ive been working on stuff down in the fashion department...

Its a vicious cycle.

Be a perfectionist-
     get no sleep making things perfect.

Go to bed and live with less than perfect work-
     get no satisfying sleep due to worrying about sloppiness...

So id rather not sleep and be perfect, or try to be perfect because perfectionism is an unfortunate illusion.

Ah I cant wait to finish my shoes and go to sleep.

Dear World, Its me...What should I do with my life?

So I have no idea what do with my life.
     I have made and stuck to ten and five year plans since I was seven...I realize its a bit weird for a seven year old to have a ten year plan, but when you know you know,
and when you dont know...YOU DONT KNOW!

What I'm trying to say for the first time since second grade I have no idea.

     Im not saying Im following the life goals of a seven year old, the goals have always had room for adjustment and allowed for changing tides, but its the first time in my life I have not had a solid plan for a major decision.

So what do I do? Stick to the path im on:

Continue in the Fashion department next semester despite that some days it makes me cry, I often feel really dumb in that class, I don't sleep for three days a week because of it. The stress makes me, well stressed, I never have time to be social, or to really hang out with my residents. I may have to choose next year between my job and the department, which would mean more loans. I can't take the only non first year course my favorite professor teaches. I can't take any of my first choice studio electives. I basically sell my life to be in the fashion department, but it leads to being in a real fashion show at the end of the year. My secret life goal since I was a kid, being a fashion designer. The opportunity to graduate among an elite group of designers, considering if I drop the course I have to reapply to the department and start all over again, from year one, meaning more loans, more time, more stress. But sometimes the department makes me feel vapid and as though I am not using my time to positively impact society as I have always hoped I would...

Or get freaky with it and completely change my life plan:

If I change to designed objects, I will have more time to live outside of the studio. Probably less stressed, have more time to do art for fun, not be locked in to giving up 6 credits per semester to do the fashion program. I can take shoe making next semester which means I get to work with leather! But I will probably get to take this class later. I have to start out in a new program with intro a year and a half into my college career, In something that will most likely involve a bit of Math and well lets not talk about my relationship with that jerk. But maybe this could be more profitable in the long run. Are there more jobs in object design than in fashion? I also have might have more time to focus on my personal practice do some installations and some photos, and the third partner in the menage a trois of my college career, fiber art. But I might really suck at designed objects, and everyone in my class will probably be freshman computer geniuses. In designed objects you are not as locked in, I can still take fashion electives without being in the core classes so I could take fiber too... But what if I hate it and want to go back, id have to reapply... gah... what to do, what to do?

All the classes ive signed up so far, once I decide I'll drop the other classes.

Sleep, or lack there of...

Sleep, all I want in the world is sleep.
In High School when I told people I was going to Art school, they were often confused and said things like:
 You're so smart why aren't you going to real school?
Oh, you are going to have so much fun!
So what do you draw?

First off I don't draw. I wish i could, but I am horrible at it and it does not bring me any enjoyment. Secondly, who said art school is not "real" school? I go to an accredited university which is consistently in the top five for most influential schools nationally.
Fun, oh how I miss fun.
Every day I have between 10 and 3 hours of classes, then between 6 and 20 hours of homework that is due the next day. Not including homework that is due the day after that or long term projects, due the next day.
So things like sleep, fun, and general "me" time are put in the back burner until the most glorious days of the week, Saturday and Sunday. I sleep so much on friday night it is sometimes not worth it to change out of my pajamas because by the time I wake up on Saturday its already evening. So I sleep as much as I can on Friday and Saturday night because sunday is the start of the week all over again. I work on projects, If it wasn't for my sewing machine I would be running to the sewing lab every few hours to work on something (thanks mom and dad). I try to talk to my parents and the rest of the outside world, sometimes I forget that the universe doesn't end at Lake Michigan. If there's time i'll cook if not I allow my self to leave my room and go to the dining hall for dinner. As awful as this sounds I don't mind it that much. I like being busy it keeps me out of trouble sometimes ill take 5 to have a cup of tea and reflect on how amazing it is that I get so much done. Once thats over its time to get back to work.
Work
Work
Work
Work
Work
Sometimes all I do is work. I don't sleep that much, eat food that isn't pre prepared for me, or even leave my room. I just sit at my desk sewing, typing, and designing until I end up with a fabulous garment, concept board, or essay. And then I sleep and some times like today I fall asleep for 20 hours and it is fabulous. So friends, family, people of the outside world, if you don't hear form me for a while, I'm working, and if i'm not working i'm bathing in the glory of sleep. Every now and then I have a few minutes between sunrise and school where I write a letter so you all at least someone knows I haven't died yet. But in all reality all I want is:
Sleep
Sleep
Sleep
Sleep
Sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Alone

     I like being alone. I like the peace and the quiet and the ability to think about whatever tickles my fancy with out hearing some one else's voice buzzing in my ear.     That being said its not like I'm one of those sad loner people who has no human friends and 13 cats. I just don't mind the calmness of being alone. I like not having to be considerate about other peoples opinions and feelings, I am a bit of a control freak, and not hearing about peoples relationship issues is always a plus. Trust me listening to someone squawk on for 30 min plus about weather or not he or she likes you and how every insignificant move they make could be symbolic of their true feelings, I have a solution to this problem and its called asking them.
     This is why I like sitting in Starbucks for hours reading a book, or wandering around AIC with my headphones on looking at Picasso, Liechtenstein, and Rauschenberg. Its not because I want all the boys to "holla" at me or because I'm a sad girl who wants to eat her feelings, I just like the peace and quiet, and the stress lifted off my shoulders as soon as leave Jones Hall.
     I am an RA for the summer at my college which would be tons-o-fun, but during the summer my building isn't full of college students, its full of high school students. So things can be a bit stressful and highschooley...
     I deal with kids who are constantly worried about their reputation, appearance, and the opposite sex. So lets just say life here is never boring even if we wanted it that way. This plus living in a city makes being alone like the search for the fountain of youth, the northwest passage, the lost ark. Searching for silence, and solitude in Chicago can make you feel a little like Indiana Jones. So lets just say I've had to re write the definition for such words. 
     On my time off I like to just be. Its never silent, even with noise canceling headphones, and I am rarely truly alone, but if I spend too much time here I get a serious case of cabin fever.
     Its not that I don't have friends. Its just the ones that I miss the most, the ones that truly matter, aren't here, and I don't feel like replacing my fleet of porsche's with pintos.