Hollywoodland

     I watch so much TV.
Not even good TV, just TV for TVs sake. Just to watch something and get lost in another world and forget about things. Lately I've been watching a lot of "emotional dramas with a strong female lead" that's netflix for ya, they uber genreize everything you watch. They always end up being about women who go through a dramatic change, and almost always end up falling in love with someone who snaps them out of it. And there's almost always at least a good chunk of the movie is set in California. Why do people think its the place to fall in love?
     I don't know why I'm even asking this question. I know why, its something in the air there something every one who has ever spent a good deal of time there has felt but couldn't quite explain. Something in the way it always smells like flowers even in January, something about the way the sunshine there radiates deep into your soul, where the sun everywhere else just warms your skin. Every thing just seems richer there, more intense. I understand now why so many people want to move there, and why so many people do.
     California is the land of people from somewhere else. Many people who live there have moved from another state or even another country, its not like Ohio, the people who live there are there because they want to be not because they have no way out. I guess that's why people want to watch movies about it, so they can escape there if its just for ninety minutes.
If you cant tell I think I'm getting a little homesick.

RA Training

So I got asked at the beginning of the month if I would be interested in being an RA.
     And me being the positive, community builder  that I am said yes.
So instead of writing, making art, or enjoying whats left of my summer I have been in meetings, team builders, making bulletin boards, door decks, and wasting two hours of my life on alcohol awareness. sometime it sucks.
    And sometimes, we sit in the lounge watching weird movies, skate videos, braiding each others hair, and just hang out and its times like these that make me think this might just all be worth it maybe :)

Fear II

If you didn't read my last post I recommend you start with Fear.

     So I am terrified of roller coasters, they are my biggest fear, but I don't believe in letting any one or any thing have a hold on me so I have slowly tried to conquer my fear. Last May before I graduated, my college prep class took a trip to Six Flags Magic Kingdom back in California. I was there to do one thing, lose my roller coaster virginity.
     I was terrified, as we were walking up the line with my class my heart was beating so strongly and so fast I could see my shirt flutter in time with it. I really, really, really, did not want to sit in that seat, but I didn't want to let fear make decisions for me. I refuse to let fear keep me from (almost) any experience, especially ones that so many people find enjoyable. So I did it any way.
     I sat in the seat, pulled the seat belt and safety measures taught, and let Medusa take me for a ride. It was terrifying, never being on any roller coaster before and then going on Medusa, but I thought if I am not going big I might have well stayed home. My eyes were shut for most of it and my language would have made a sailor blush, but I survived, I did it!
     It was terrifying and heart pounding, I wouldn't say that I love coasters now, but it was something  had to do for my self. I could not have done it without my friends.
     Most of my class went with me, they waited in line so that we could get on one train and supported me through something the child me was terrified of. I am happiest for that, to have friends support me through my greatest fear, because that's when you need friends the most. Weather you are battling spiders, facing illness, or just riding a roller coaster we all need our friends when were scared. Good friends the, kind that will wait for two hours with you to do something that makes you say things to them that urban dictionary has censored out, are not just good friends, they are the family that we get to pick.

Raging Bull In Six Flags Chicago

     I am so glad that I have found so many people who are willing to do things like that with me, especially when I left home for college. I am proud to say I have friends who take me to things that make me make faces like this. 

Fear

     They say all we have to fear is fear itself.
     But thats a lie, there's clowns, and needles, and heights, and one of my personal biggies, roller coasters. Lots of people like them, heck people pay lots of money to go on them when they are usually just 60 seconds of sheer terror. I have always found them horrifying, even as a small child I didn't even like the little roller coaster on out local FairyTale Town.
     For me though it was never the actual height or the speed of them, it was feeling I got when I went on them.
     Some people are adrenaline junkies, they crave that rush, the pressure in your chest as adrenaline floods your blood stream, and the euphoric lightness of being as your limbs become tingly as the euphoria melts away, that feeling; that some say is the closest they've ever felt to god, I've always hated it. It creeps me out, I feel as though I am having a heart attack, or dying or some other even more horrid inconceivable thing is happening. To me that feeling is the worst thing in the world.

Midnight Train

     As the summer turns to shorter days and longer sunsets, I begin to miss the nine o'clock sunsets and the allure of  summer, the outfits, the possibilities, the heat. But as the start of another school year looms closer, so does the re-emeergence of my school friends. One of my friends from New York came back this week and me and another mutual friend immediately took advantage of his return and whisked off to out favorite haunt, White Palace. A favorite diner of ours that is conveniently open 24 hours. It is always there for us at 2 am when we need a break from painting, or sewing, or weaving, or when we need food and there is nowhere else to go. I have been there so many times that I don't even need to look at the menu, its not like I can just tell the waitress, "I'll just have the usual."(I've always wanted to have a "usual"), but I almost always order the Midnight Train (a belgian waffle fries and chicken strips) and a strawberry shake. It is golden carbo-load deliciousness and I love it.
     We took his shiny white cadillac down to White Palace, and I realized I hadn't been in a car since spring break (thats like a bit more than two months). Even then I was only in a car from from the train station to a friends house. I haven't driven myself in almost a year when I got my license. I am not a big fan of driving, I prefer public transport whenever possible, and when you are driving its so much harder to absorb the scenery.

 Anyway I'll write more about our cadillac adventures later... once I've recovered from one.

Alone

     I like being alone. I like the peace and the quiet and the ability to think about whatever tickles my fancy with out hearing some one else's voice buzzing in my ear.     That being said its not like I'm one of those sad loner people who has no human friends and 13 cats. I just don't mind the calmness of being alone. I like not having to be considerate about other peoples opinions and feelings, I am a bit of a control freak, and not hearing about peoples relationship issues is always a plus. Trust me listening to someone squawk on for 30 min plus about weather or not he or she likes you and how every insignificant move they make could be symbolic of their true feelings, I have a solution to this problem and its called asking them.
     This is why I like sitting in Starbucks for hours reading a book, or wandering around AIC with my headphones on looking at Picasso, Liechtenstein, and Rauschenberg. Its not because I want all the boys to "holla" at me or because I'm a sad girl who wants to eat her feelings, I just like the peace and quiet, and the stress lifted off my shoulders as soon as leave Jones Hall.
     I am an RA for the summer at my college which would be tons-o-fun, but during the summer my building isn't full of college students, its full of high school students. So things can be a bit stressful and highschooley...
     I deal with kids who are constantly worried about their reputation, appearance, and the opposite sex. So lets just say life here is never boring even if we wanted it that way. This plus living in a city makes being alone like the search for the fountain of youth, the northwest passage, the lost ark. Searching for silence, and solitude in Chicago can make you feel a little like Indiana Jones. So lets just say I've had to re write the definition for such words. 
     On my time off I like to just be. Its never silent, even with noise canceling headphones, and I am rarely truly alone, but if I spend too much time here I get a serious case of cabin fever.
     Its not that I don't have friends. Its just the ones that I miss the most, the ones that truly matter, aren't here, and I don't feel like replacing my fleet of porsche's with pintos.

The List

     I love writing lists. Lists for my favorite songs, favorite designers and artists, favorite webs cites, inspiring people, even grocery and chore lists are fun. When you write something down be it a list, a story or a thought. its a commitment. A commitment made between you, and your pen and paper, (or in this case between me, my laptop and the internet...) writing forces you to acknowledge your thoughts, even if you never show what you've written to anyone you know it's there. But when it comes to lists I just like being able to acknowledge accomplishments and keep track of things that make me happy and appreciate what I have.
     One day while watching late night TV I saw a show called The Buried Life, it was on MTV so I was expecting trash, but it made me cry.  It is a show that asks a simple question:
      What do you want to do before you die?
Basically these kids hopped in a bus to travel North America and cross things off their list of things they wanted to do before they die, but for everything they cross off on their list they help someone cross something off of theirs. What resulted was a show full of people doing things they never thought they could do on their own, they have helped people reunite with relatives, conquer their worst fears, and even won thousands of dollars at roulette (which was donated to charity) for me it's one of those weird shows I cant watch with other people because it always makes me cry, I cry because im happy that these people are making other people happy and for some reason people being unusually kind to strangers always makes me cry.
      Anyway, since I was a little kid i've always had this list of things I wanted to do before I die, I wrote it down in a notebook in middle school as a nagging motivator to make something of my life and actually do them. I've done a few of them, go to college, go to Paris, go skinny dipping, but I know if I just bury my notebook in my piles of stuff one of these days I'll forget about it and not find it till im old enough to regret not doing the things on my list so I'll just leave it here (theres always a link to it at the header) so I can be reminded of my future adventures ( and my past ones) every time I log on.